FOUND IN WRITING

LOST IN LECTURES, FOUND IN WRITING: My Journey to Discovering Myself

By Phoebe Akinyi Nyaumba

I'm Phoebe Akinyi, a student at Moi University Main Campus pursuing a Bachelor's degree in Communication and Journalism. I find joy in scribbling things down whenever an idea crosses my mind. Sometimes, it's a random thought; other times, it's a whole story waiting to be told. But for a while, I found myself wondering whether I was really on the right path.

You see, sometimes, I feel unsatisfied with what I learn in class. There are days when a lecturer walks in, makes a presentation, and walks out, while what we desperately need is a tutorial. I sit in the lecture room, gazing into absolute emptiness, my mind wandering somewhere far beyond the classroom walls.

And then I ask myself, Is this what I worked so hard for all those years, from preschool to senior school? Just to sit here and listen to talks that don't seem to connect with me?

Honestly, I don't always have an answer.

I look around and see my fellow students nodding their heads in agreement, seemingly absorbing every word. Meanwhile, I'm busy having a private meeting with my thoughts.

Once again, that unsettling question creeps in: Am I losing myself? Am I losing focus on what I should really be working towards? Or are we all just pretending to understand the concepts?

Okay, perhaps not all of us. Maybe it's just me. Who knows? 😂

I console myself with the thought that I'll return to my place and revisit the topic for clarity. Surely, a little personal study will do the magic.

After two hours in a place that somehow feels wrong, I walk back to my room, feeling strangely relieved, as though I've just completed an exhausting shift at a job I never applied for.

You're probably wondering whether there's nothing on campus that could make me stay for a few more hours.

Of course, there is! In fact, there are plenty of opportunities. I could stay for radio presentations, practical sessions, computer lessons, or content creation. These are some of the things that could help me grow in my field.

But somehow, I don't always feel drawn to them.

And before you judge me, allow me to explain. I'm an introvert. I know that doesn't excuse everything, but it does explain why the thought of putting myself out there sometimes feels like a whole assignment on its own. 🤷🏽‍♀️

While other students are busy sharpening their skills and trying to keep up with the demands of the media industry, I return to my room, pick up my phone, and head straight to Netflix.

Now, that's a world I understand!

I watch my favourite genres of movies and television shows for hours, completely absorbed in the stories. And somewhere between one episode and the next, I begin to imagine how good a detective I would make.

Oh, the confidence I have in my imaginary career!

I picture myself investigating complicated cases, connecting clues, interrogating suspects, and making sure our streets are safe. I imagine being the kind of detective who restores public trust in the police and makes people feel secure again.

And the vocabulary? Don't even get me started!

Words like espionage, search warrant, proprietor, and triangulation sound so beautiful in my head. I imagine myself using them confidently in an interrogation room while a suspect sits across the table, wondering how they ended up in such serious trouble.

In my imagination, the case is already solved. The suspect has confessed, justice has been served, and I am the hero of the day.

Meanwhile, in real life, I haven't even revised my lecture notes.

The difference between these two versions of me is honestly concerning. 🥲

Just when I'm deep in my detective fantasies, a message from "hun 😘" pops up on my screen.

There goes another thirty minutes!

Suddenly, I'm no longer the struggling journalism student questioning her academic journey. I'm someone's favourite person, smiling at my phone and imagining what it would feel like to be next to him for eternity.

Love has a funny way of making you forget your unfinished assignments.

But then reality comes knocking.

He already has a life he's figuring out, while I'm still trying to understand mine. Ouch. That one stings!

And just like that, I'm back to wondering what I'm doing with my life.

Then comes another important discovery: I haven't eaten since last night, and it's already five in the evening.

Shiet, I've done it again!

At least I know how to trick hunger into waiting a little longer. It's only a few more hours until eight, I tell myself. I'll be patient and eat a proper supper later.

Don't ask me why my plans always involve postponing something important. Even my stomach has become a victim of poor time management. 😂

Next on my schedule is TikTok.

I need to make a few videos for my free time, so I check the trends, find something interesting, record a clip, and post it. I watch the final video and smile at myself.

Cute. Flawless. Definitely deserving of good engagement!

For a moment, everything feels right.

Then I remember that Dad needs to know the cooking gas is running out. I send him a message, trusting that he'll see it and make the necessary arrangements. Mom also needs to know I'm doing well, so I text her before she calls and keeps me on the phone for hours.

Family responsibilities? Handled.

Social media? Handled.

Romance? Handled.

Food? Pending.

My academic and professional development? Well, let's just say that department needs an emergency meeting.

Later, I put on my favourite Spotify playlist and settle into an hour of yoga and meditation. The music is soothing, the atmosphere is peaceful, and I feel good about myself.

At least I'm taking care of my well-being, right?

I am fit, relaxed, and ready to conquer the world.

Or so I think. 

I decide to take a short nap before supper. But sometimes, sleep does something that even the most entertaining television show cannot do: it leaves you alone with your thoughts.

And when I wake up, those thoughts are waiting.

I begin to look at myself differently. I think about the hours spent scrolling, watching shows, daydreaming, and postponing the very things that could help me build the future I keep imagining.

I start calling myself lazy. I wonder whether I lack self-drive, whether my confidence is too low, and whether I'm wasting opportunities that other students would be grateful to have.

For a moment, I convince myself that there's no point in trying something new because I might not be good enough.

Why start when I cannot guarantee that I'll be the best?

Why put myself out there when there are already so many talented people doing what I want to do?

And then, somewhere in the middle of all that overthinking, a different thought comes to me.

What if the problem isn't that I have nothing to offer? What if I've been waiting too long to discover what I can actually do?

That thought makes me sit up.

I begin to think about writing.

I've always enjoyed putting my thoughts on paper. I can take an ordinary experience, turn it over in my mind, and find a story hiding somewhere inside it. I enjoy expressing myself through words, even when I don't always know where those words will lead me.

So, what exactly has been holding me back?

Perhaps I've been waiting for the perfect opportunity. Perhaps I've been too concerned about producing something brilliant instead of allowing myself to begin with something simple.

Maybe I've been measuring my potential against other people's achievements before giving myself the chance to grow.

The truth is, I don't have to be the best writer in the world to start writing. I don't need a newspaper editor knocking on my door, a publishing deal waiting in my inbox, or thousands of followers applauding my work.

I need to begin.

I grab my pen and paper and start figuring out the kind of writer I want to become. I think about the stories I enjoy telling, the experiences I can share, and the issues I would like to explore.

Then I realise something beautiful: writing offers me a way to connect my interests with the course I'm pursuing.

Communication and Journalism is not limited to sitting in lecture rooms, preparing radio presentations, or standing in front of cameras. It also involves observing society, asking questions, telling stories, and giving people a reason to pay attention.

And perhaps, just perhaps, I can begin with the one thing I've always enjoyed doing: writing.

I can write about my experiences as a university student. I can explore social issues, tell human-interest stories, reflect on the world around me, and gradually learn the art of feature writing. I can use my curiosity to ask better questions and my imagination to explore ideas worth sharing.

Who knows? The same mind that spends hours imagining detective stories might one day help me tell compelling investigative stories. For now, I'll leave the search warrants to the professionals and concentrate on developing my writing skills.

One step at a time. 😂

I know this journey will not be easy. I'll probably have days when I doubt my abilities, compare myself to other writers, or wonder whether anyone will care about what I have to say.

But I am beginning to understand that growth doesn't happen by wishing for a different life. It happens when we start working with what we have, wherever we are.

I may not have figured out every aspect of my academic journey. I may still struggle to find my place in practical sessions, and I may occasionally choose Netflix over my lecture notes. I am human, after all.

But I no longer want to spend all my time imagining the person I could become while doing so little to become her.

For now, I am choosing to write.

I am choosing to explore my abilities, learn from my mistakes, and build my confidence gradually. I am choosing to start small, even when the results are uncertain.

Perhaps the momentum will come with time. Perhaps the opportunities will follow. And perhaps, one day, I'll look back at these early pieces and smile at how far I've travelled.

Until then, I'll keep scribbling.

Because sometimes, finding yourself doesn't begin with having all the answers. Sometimes, it begins with asking the right questions, picking up a pen, and giving yourself permission to try.

I may still be figuring out my place in the world of journalism, but at least I've found a place to begin. And this time, I'm not waiting to become perfect before I start.